Well the last few days have been really busy. I spent Christmas eve/morning at my bf's parents which is just over 200kms from our place. It was a bit crazy, I find I like spending time with his side but there is always just too much drama there. He has 1 older sister, 1 younger sister and 1 younger brother, everyone is totally cool with us and we get to be ourselves there, which is one good thing. His older sister is a bit on the crazy side, she has a kid that just turned one, for whatever reason she is chasing after this guy that clearly doesn't want to be her bf, just fuck friends and he treats her like shit, but she still thinks he can do no wrong. Oh yea, he isn't the babies dad. The younger sister also has a kid, he's just over two and she is engaged to the guy that fathered the kid, and she just found out last week she has kid #2 coming, and she just turned 20 recently. And his brother is a nice enough guy, just not the sharpest tool in the shed, his gf is really lazy and whiney though. Then his folks, nice people, just very different from my folks. Everyone on my side has post secondary education, both of my brothers have their masters, my mom was a nurse and my dad started a very successful wealth management firm. On his side only his older sister finished high school, and even that I have zero idea how that happened. So yea we had very different upbringings that can make things difficult at times.
Back on track, so we do the Christmas morning thing and lets just say it took about 3 hours, there were many breaks, a few arguments, and lots of kids opening presents. I say that because myself I got maybe 5 presents, my bf got like 7, and the rest got anywhere from 15-20, esp the kids, they must have gotten like 30 each. Now dont get me wrong, the reality is I could care less, for me it's about being together and celebrating the birth of Jesus, the presents are just added bonus, but I did feel slighted. I know my bf was really upset, we both spent a fairly considerable amount of money on them and really we got shafted.
We decided to head back here to spend the rest of the day with my family, where we enjoyed an awesome dinner and had a blast. I know one of my presents my folks got me was worth more than the combined total of what I had gotten earlier, same for my bf, he was really thankful for it.
Next day we head off to a few malls for some boxing day madness, and it certainly was. I couldnt believe the lines for some of the stores, I got a few things and we went back and ordered a bunch of stuff online, take that lines :)
Well I gotta fly, I got off track ...again, I know :) I have 3 more hockey games to referee tonight, it brings my total to 16 over the past 3 days, my knees are killing me.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I hate being sick
What a great time of the year .... to be sick .... NOT. I had a cold last week and I thought I was over it, but it's rearing its ugly head.
On to good news, my hot tub has returned to me after being sent out for repair, I got it on my balcony, and filled it up last night, I hope to be able to use it tonight, man I missed it !
On to good news, my hot tub has returned to me after being sent out for repair, I got it on my balcony, and filled it up last night, I hope to be able to use it tonight, man I missed it !
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sports and Gay People
First and foremost I’m a sports nut, esp. when it comes to hockey and golf. I’ve been involved in various sports since I was very young, one thing I can thank my dad for. When I was younger I played baseball and golf in the summer and hockey in the winter. I was actually a really good goalie and played on my towns travel team, even got my picture on the front page of our sports section making a huge save (I was a goalie). I’ve played golf for a long time, when I was in high school I even played on a junior tour for about 3 years and had a great time. Looking back I have two big regrets; that I didn’t pursue golf more and go after a scholarship in the states, and that I quit playing hockey at still a young age.
High school was a very tough ride for me, I really isolated myself, mostly due to frequently changing schools, the other was I couldn’t handle my feelings or the guilt and shame I allowed myself to feel. If I couldn’t see a reason why anyone would want to be friends with me, then they wouldn’t, or so I told myself. As such I really didn’t know what I wanted to do, if anything, so I just let things fall to the side.
As for hockey, I really wasn’t enjoying it anymore, for all the things guys do during the game (hugging, patting each other on the ass, etc) and even showering after and the horseplay that goes with it, most would consider those things to be “gay”, and yet they are one of the most unaccepting groups around, outside of the army that is, and yes I was in the military. Nowhere else do you hear things that are meant to demean and humiliate guys and about 99% of it has to do with being gay. With what I was going through personally I just couldn’t take it anymore. Funny enough recently the son of the Leafs GM/President Brian Burke came out very publically with an article on ESPN, which of course got picked up by every major news here, and he said he quit playing hockey as a goalie for the very same reason I did. Not only that but he is on staff with the hockey team at the university he attends. For those who haven’t read it, it is an incredible read, not only his story, but that of his dad who by all accounts one would call a man’s man.
http://www.thestar.com/sports/article/730975--burke-lauded-for-support-of-gay-son
http://www.thestar.com/sports/article/730485
http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/columns/story?columnist=buccigross_john&id=4685761
Myself I can only applaud Brendan and wish I had the balls to do what he’s done. Myself I played the game and after I quit I took up referring. I have been able to excel and work at a very high level that includes around 8 Provincial Finals (or state finals for our friends south of the border) our Provincial Junior League, the Canadian Winter Games, and over 10 association finals. Along with reffing I also coach hockey. I’ve coached teams from our local kids’ recreation to kids’ rep to provincial junior. I’ve actually coached a bunch of kids who made our National Junior team and a few of them have made the NHL. How much of this would I have been able to do if I was out? I have no idea at all, but I tell you putting the time in and watching them grow not only as players but as people has been a source of countless great memories, something I wouldn’t trade for anything! As it stands I’m not looking to be a trailblazer, but it also hurts to think that I have to hide a part of who I am just due to the fear of the unknown.
High school was a very tough ride for me, I really isolated myself, mostly due to frequently changing schools, the other was I couldn’t handle my feelings or the guilt and shame I allowed myself to feel. If I couldn’t see a reason why anyone would want to be friends with me, then they wouldn’t, or so I told myself. As such I really didn’t know what I wanted to do, if anything, so I just let things fall to the side.
As for hockey, I really wasn’t enjoying it anymore, for all the things guys do during the game (hugging, patting each other on the ass, etc) and even showering after and the horseplay that goes with it, most would consider those things to be “gay”, and yet they are one of the most unaccepting groups around, outside of the army that is, and yes I was in the military. Nowhere else do you hear things that are meant to demean and humiliate guys and about 99% of it has to do with being gay. With what I was going through personally I just couldn’t take it anymore. Funny enough recently the son of the Leafs GM/President Brian Burke came out very publically with an article on ESPN, which of course got picked up by every major news here, and he said he quit playing hockey as a goalie for the very same reason I did. Not only that but he is on staff with the hockey team at the university he attends. For those who haven’t read it, it is an incredible read, not only his story, but that of his dad who by all accounts one would call a man’s man.
http://www.thestar.com/sports/article/730975--burke-lauded-for-support-of-gay-son
http://www.thestar.com/sports/article/730485
http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/columns/story?columnist=buccigross_john&id=4685761
Myself I can only applaud Brendan and wish I had the balls to do what he’s done. Myself I played the game and after I quit I took up referring. I have been able to excel and work at a very high level that includes around 8 Provincial Finals (or state finals for our friends south of the border) our Provincial Junior League, the Canadian Winter Games, and over 10 association finals. Along with reffing I also coach hockey. I’ve coached teams from our local kids’ recreation to kids’ rep to provincial junior. I’ve actually coached a bunch of kids who made our National Junior team and a few of them have made the NHL. How much of this would I have been able to do if I was out? I have no idea at all, but I tell you putting the time in and watching them grow not only as players but as people has been a source of countless great memories, something I wouldn’t trade for anything! As it stands I’m not looking to be a trailblazer, but it also hurts to think that I have to hide a part of who I am just due to the fear of the unknown.
First Post
So where to start, I've never blogged before, but I just happened across a few on here that really brought me back to the confusion and hurt of my youth, not that it's all gone yet :), and I just thought that I could tell a bit of my story, and if anyone found it interesting, helpful, or whatever, than it would be a good thing. Everyone needs support, esp us, and I know growing up being pretty much totally in the closet I didn’t have any, and it sucked.
A bit about me - I guess you could call me a bit of a contradiction; I'm Baptist, conservative, and yes gay. Growing up in a very religious house made it more than difficult for me knowing that I had these feelings but also knowing that everything I have been taught was telling me that it's wrong. I didn’t have many friends because I was afraid that if they got to know me that somehow they would find out and then the gig's up. Not that I act or seem "gay" quite the contrary, it's a skill I mastered over the years, anyone that I’ve told pretty much had no clue at all that I was gay. The first person I told was my mom, and I will never forget that afternoon as long as I live. I had started to see a few guys casually and still living at home, so obviously I was getting questions as to where I was going, what did I do last night, etc, and it was becoming so difficult to continue to lie and sneak around on my folks. I had been fighting with the decision to come out for a long time, and really I thought I would wait for the "perfect" opportunity, but in reality there never is any perfect time or occasion to do it. I asked my mom out for lunch and we had a very quiet meal, me going over in my head what I would say and my mom wondering why I was so unusually quiet. When the bill comes I finally start to talk and I basically blurt out that I have been going out to meet people on dates, but that I wasn’t seeing girls, my mom had this very confused look, so I continued, I was seeing guys. The look on her face is embedded into my memory; it was like someone just punched her in the stomach, like she was forced to watch a group of people beat up her youngest son. She was quiet for a bit, and then asked what do you mean, are you saying that you're gay? I of course responded yes mom, for the first time she really didn’t know what to say or do. We just got up and left and went back to our cars, we get there and the only thing she says is, well you know what God says about this, I just responded back that this is how he made me and that I prefer to think that he loves all his children regardless. She just got in her car and left.
So that was my first "coming out" experience, just thinking back about it still gets very pretty emotional even to this day, she of course eventually came around, just the initial shock of it all. Now my dad, that was a very different experience, but i'll save that for another time.
I'm a total scatterbrain right now, so I’m gonna wrap my first post up, thanks for reading guys, hope everyone has a great day !
A bit about me - I guess you could call me a bit of a contradiction; I'm Baptist, conservative, and yes gay. Growing up in a very religious house made it more than difficult for me knowing that I had these feelings but also knowing that everything I have been taught was telling me that it's wrong. I didn’t have many friends because I was afraid that if they got to know me that somehow they would find out and then the gig's up. Not that I act or seem "gay" quite the contrary, it's a skill I mastered over the years, anyone that I’ve told pretty much had no clue at all that I was gay. The first person I told was my mom, and I will never forget that afternoon as long as I live. I had started to see a few guys casually and still living at home, so obviously I was getting questions as to where I was going, what did I do last night, etc, and it was becoming so difficult to continue to lie and sneak around on my folks. I had been fighting with the decision to come out for a long time, and really I thought I would wait for the "perfect" opportunity, but in reality there never is any perfect time or occasion to do it. I asked my mom out for lunch and we had a very quiet meal, me going over in my head what I would say and my mom wondering why I was so unusually quiet. When the bill comes I finally start to talk and I basically blurt out that I have been going out to meet people on dates, but that I wasn’t seeing girls, my mom had this very confused look, so I continued, I was seeing guys. The look on her face is embedded into my memory; it was like someone just punched her in the stomach, like she was forced to watch a group of people beat up her youngest son. She was quiet for a bit, and then asked what do you mean, are you saying that you're gay? I of course responded yes mom, for the first time she really didn’t know what to say or do. We just got up and left and went back to our cars, we get there and the only thing she says is, well you know what God says about this, I just responded back that this is how he made me and that I prefer to think that he loves all his children regardless. She just got in her car and left.
So that was my first "coming out" experience, just thinking back about it still gets very pretty emotional even to this day, she of course eventually came around, just the initial shock of it all. Now my dad, that was a very different experience, but i'll save that for another time.
I'm a total scatterbrain right now, so I’m gonna wrap my first post up, thanks for reading guys, hope everyone has a great day !
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